Developing Assertiveness in Psychotherapy.

Assertiveness in Psychotherapy

As a Psychotherapist I notice how common it is that I will initially meet a client, perhaps for a consultation or an assessment, then within minutes be able to identify that the client is struggling with being assertive. Clients may say things like

“I want to be more confident”,

“I get anxious thinking about conflict”,

“I don’t know how to say no!”,

and

“I take on too much”.

Then the therapist may respond with something like,

“It sounds like you would like to become more assertive?”.

You and your client are on the same page when the answer to this question will be a resounding “Yes!”.

So, from here, what can a therapist do to assist you on your journey to becoming more assertive?

Firstly, some psychoeducation may be needed. While an individual might wish and desire to be more assertive, they may not know what it truly means. Behaviour and communication can be categorised in these 4 divisions: Passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive. As a first step we can learn more about these 4 types of behaviour then begin to identify where we are. Let’s break them down.

Passive behaviour

Passive behaviour is often characterised by timid and soft language. The Passive person may put others needs and wishes first and disregard their own thoughts, feelings and desires. The issue with passive behaviour is that people can eventually come to see you as weak, they might then take advantage of you, weather conscious or not. We can begin to understand passive behaviour as a respect of others needs and values combined with a lack of respect for our own.

Aggressive Behaviour

Aggressive Behaviour can be characterised by disregard for others. The aggressive communicator may be snappy, rude and dismissive of others. Aggressive behaviour can be understood as a lack of respect for others needs, values and wishes while holding our own in high regard. Individuals who display aggressive behaviour may miss out on the truth because others are frightened of informing them. The consequence of aggressive behaviour is that others may come to dislike the aggressive person and they push people away.

Passive aggressive Behaviour

Passive aggressive Behaviour might be characterised by sarcastic or self-loathing pessimistic communication. We can understand passive aggressive behaviour as a disregard for other’s needs, wishes and values as well as our own. It is a lack of respect for the self and others. With this kind of behaviour people may come to view you as negative and they may feel they cannot rely on you for things.

Assertive behaviour

Assertive behaviour is the ideal. Assertive people may come across as confident, fair, trustworthy and authentic. They will listen and respect others needs, values and wishes as well as their own. Assertive people seek to achieve the best outcome possible in a situation. People feel they can rely on assertive people, and they can trust them with problems.

During psychotherapy

During psychotherapy your therapist will help you to explore and understand your behaviour patterns. You can then work towards developing aspects of yourself that might affect your behaviour. Sometimes a lack of confidence, self-worth or fear and anxieties can be issues that affect someone’s ability to be assertive. Working on these issues can develop your overall ability to be assertive and your life can change as a result.

When learning to be more assertive you may begin by learning to identifying your needs and values and explore yourself at a more-deep level than you have before. Your psychotherapist will be able to help you identify ways in which your life may be off balance and then help you to become more congruent and truer to yourself. By aligning your life in a way that you are living more authentically you may also develop your self-worth and a sense of pride; this can help to increase your overall assertiveness.

Our actions and choices define who we are in many ways. By taking control of our actions and becoming braver we can further increase our confidence. The challenge is that many people feel that they don’t have control over their life or that they are not free to make the choices they want. A psychotherapist may help you to shift your perception on what is possible. We might perceive our lives as lacking choice and freedom, but the reality is we have many choices which we take, or we don’t and then burden the responsibility of not changing.

Some people may find that on their journey to becoming more assertive the encounter push back from some of the people close to them. Passive people often get relied on by others who have place responsibilities and burdens on them. People in your life may become concerned when you begin to set boundaries around what you can do for them. A psychotherapist can help you prepare for pushback and reshape some of the relationships you have in life that might be overbearing, controlling or unbalanced.

Contact us here at CMH Counselling to make a booking and begin a journey towards freedom, assertiveness and authenticity.